Sex and the Married Woman

And Now, An Update on What You Already Know

Right before I married my husband, a well-meaning, much older female friend gave me this free advice:
"If you want to stay married, have a lot of sex. And have all different kinds of sex. You'll see what I mean."
All different kinds of sex? Huh?. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what that meant - I'm on the conservative side. But now, I see. And believe me, I have ALLLLLLL kinds of sex. So do all married women.
Married ladies, read on, and recognize. . .
"Git Er Done Sex"
You need the faucet replaced on the master bathroom sink, but it's been a long week. Your partner is exhausted, but probably not too exhausted (wink, wink). You bust your move, and 30 minutes later, you're out getting a manicure while your husband installs the new faucet. This is "Git Er Done Sex."
"Stop Bitching About How You Don't Get Sex" Sex
My husband loves to make up statistics. He never cites credible sources. He does hold a Psychology degree from a prestigious University and he is funny, in addition to being smooth talker. But, when I hear that the average middle class married American couple has sex an average of 6-8 times per week, and what do I think about how we compare, statistically, I get the message, and give it up. I call that "Stop Bitching About How You Don't Get Sex" sex.
"I'm Sorry About My Family" Sex
This one is popular around the holidays, and I don't even think it really needs any explanation.
"Yes, Aunt Flo Has Packed Her Bags and Left" Sex

Don't confuse this with the above-mentioned "I'm Sorry About My Family" sex. Aunt Flo probably does visit more frequently than your own mother, but she's a different kind of kin - the painful kind that shows up once a month (uninvited, I might add) and overstays her welcome by at least a day or two. Your partner rolls his eyes during her visit, and keeps asking when she is going to leave. Once you're sure she has gone, you get to have the obligatory "Yes, Aunt Flo Has Packed Her Bags and Left" sex. Yee haw.
The upshot to this? Those months that she doesn't show or shows up late can be even MORE stressful than when she does. This is especially true if you already have 2 or 3 kids. Just be glad when she does show, and do what you gotta do oncce she leaves.
"Damn That Was a Short Recovery" Sex
This sex is made more special since you only have it a few times during your marriage. That makes it an extra special treat!
It only occurs after the births of your children, or after serious surgeries. We all know that once you give birth and bring the little anklebiter home from the hospital, you are told to "take it easy." According to your OB, that means "Nothing in the vagina." By the way, I am always puzzled by that phrase. . .um. . .aren't there only like a couple of options here, anyway? (Please, please do not answer that in the comments section.) I digress. Point is, you're supposed to take it easy, and that means no (in Chuck Woolery's words) whoopie. What do I say to that?
WHOOPIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who the hell can even think about having sex after they have given birth? Are you kidding me? Talk about blasted landscape. But those 6-8 weeks fly by like Lance Armstrong on a downhill slope, don't they? Before you know it, you're faced with "Damn, That Was A Short Recovery" sex. Godspeed, girlfriend.
"Special Occasion Sex"
Valentine's Day, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Groundhog Day (oh, maybe that's just us). The days when one would be expected to have sex - those can all be filed under "Special Occasion Sex." Sadly, this is often the most disappointing of the garden varieties, because of the undue pressure and utter lack of spontaneity. Think back: aren't these the encounters that often end in arguments? Passing out drunk? Falling asleep early? Just 'going through the motions'? It's true, isn't it? Usually "Special Occasion Sex" isn't all that special.
And that brings us to the last category, which is of course my favorite:
"Well, Whaddya Know!? Sex"

Did the kids unexpectedly fall asleep by 7:00 p.m.? Did your husband give you flowers at the end of a particularly hellish day? Well, whaddya know? You feel like having sex!
This is by far the best kind of married sex to have. You must really love the person to appreciate this variety. Both parties must recognize and seize the opportunity. It rarely involves fancy dinners or weekends away or an anniversary date circled on a calendar. Most likely, you'll have on boxers and a tee shirt. He'll have on sweats and a sweatshirt. You'll notice that:
a) it is quiet
b) you two are alone, and just made eye contact for the first time in a week.
As the sweats and boxers and tee shirts are flung into a very unsexy heap in the corner, you'll realize you've been married "X" number of years, and this is still fun.
Well, Whaddya Know?